my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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