Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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