Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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