Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Randomize
