you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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