the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
