i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
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He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
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I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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