Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
