just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
