Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
