he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
