Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
