Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
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I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
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I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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