hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
