A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
