Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
