What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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