Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
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It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
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Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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