No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
