I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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