i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
