well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
