just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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