YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
