Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
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