i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
