Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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