he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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