dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
