shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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