True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
