It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Randomize
