also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
i think my cat just said my name.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
