a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
She needs sedatives and a leash
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
