my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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