I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
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She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
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It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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