I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
