Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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