You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
