be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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