Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
