I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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