you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
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I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
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well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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