in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
