I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
