I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
