Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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