you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
