You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
