I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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