I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Randomize
