M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
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