some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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