dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
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He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
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There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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