So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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