im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
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We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
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I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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